Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Week 12 Anti-Simmons Picks

Crap, just as soon as I get even with BSG, I fall behind. Interesting that neither of us has hit all 3 picks in one week...


Dolphins (-2.5) over LIONS

After watching my boys take care of the Lions, the only logical thought is the Lions suck ass. Because the Cards suck ass. But the Lions suck more ass. Whatever.

Jaguars (-3) over BILLS

Let's see if the Jags can play worth a shit away from home, eh?

Bears (+3) over PATRIOTS

Pats looked good last week, but it was against the Pack. My 3 year old girl could throw a TD against the Pack right now. Of course, my 3 year old girl could intercept Grossman, too. Screw it, defense wins this game.


Giants (-2) over TITANS

How strange is it that the only pick I got right last week was the Cardinals? Fucking Cardinals.

Last week:

Mike: 1-2
BSG: 2-1


Mike: 7-8
BSG: 8-7

Monday, November 20, 2006

Pot, Meet Kettle. Kettle, I Think You Know Pot.

Doesn't a Detroit Lions beat writer referring to the Arizona Cardinals as "lowly" seem a little, well, stupid? I mean, it's the Lions you're covering, pal.

On another note, nice game by the Cards yesterday. No big errors in the game. The running game was OK (not great, but better), Leinart looked good, and the defense did just enough. There were some great plays by the WR corps as well.

Leinart played another solid game at home, but his road performance leaves a lot to be desired. And guess what? They have a two game road trip starting this week! Actually, this week's game at Minnesota may very well be their last real chance for a victory. Remaining opponents: Rams, Broncos, Niners, Chargers. Yes, the Cards beat the Niners in week one, but this is a different team right now. I guess we'll see how each team looks in a few weeks.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Week 11 Anti-Simmons Picks

I got back on the winning track last week, dammit. BSG and I are all tied now. Time to start pulling away.

To be honest, this week is tough. I agree with all but one of his picks.


Colts (-1) over COWBOYS

This is the one I disagree with.

CARDINALS (-2) over Lions

I bet against them last week, so I have to take them this week, right? Right? Hello?

Giants (+3.5) over JAGUARS

I hate this pick.

Last week:

Mike: 2-1
BSG: 1-2


Mike: 6-6
BSG: 6-6

Monday, November 13, 2006

I Never Learn

Fantasy Football Post-Draft Rule #1

Never bench your studs. Let me rephrase. Never, ever, ever bench your fantasy fucking studs!

Even when ESPN or Fox or SI or CBS or whoever says they have a bad matchup. Not even when they say one of your other options is going to have a huge day. Don't bench your studs! Do you hear me? I said DO YOU HEAR ME? Good.

Chad Johnson scored 66 points on my bench yesterday. Carson Palmer scored 55 on my bench as well.

Next week, I'll start them both and they'll suck. You watch.


Friday, November 10, 2006

Week 10 Anti-Simmons Picks

After week 9, I'm officially trailing BSG overall. As he would say, not good times. This week is the week I turn things around (I hope)...


Chargers (-1.5) over BENGALS

Glad I spent a 3rd round pick on Chad Johnson this year!

VIKINGS (-5.5) over Packers

Minny hurt me last week, but I'll give them one more chance. Oh yah, you betcha.

Cowboys (-7) over CARDINALS

I hate betting against my own team, but Dallas should be able to destroy them this week. And Phoenix is Dallas West. This will be the one home game that has almost as many visiting fans as home fans.

Last week:

Mike: 1-2
BSG: 2-1


Mike: 4-5
BSG: 5-4

What I Learned On My Fall Vacation

My work wanted to send me to some training for a new software package we are looking at implementing. It just so happened that the next available class was being held in Phoenix, my hometown. Well, close enough. I grew up in Scottsdale. But if you know the Phoenix area, you know how the Phoenix valley works. It's right there.

My Dad took me to the Suns/Mavs game tonight, which I had been anxiously awaiting for the last week. As I sat in the stands tonight, I realized a few things about myself:

1. I'm really missing living in a city where major professional sports are played. Chico, CA is a nice place to live, but there are no major sports. The closest teams are all in the bay area, and when I go to watch sports there, I'm not rooting for the home team. It sucks not being the home team. My experience at the Cardinals/Raiders game this year sucked ass. It's no fun being the visitor, and even less fun being the douche that roots for the visitor.

2. I'm kind of a dick when I root for my team(s). At some point between begging for one of the Suns bench players to take Dirk Nowitzki out of the game, calling Dick Bavetta a fucking cocksucker (which is true) approximately 20 times, and generally losing my voice screaming for the Suns to GET A FUCKING REBOUND, I realized that I've really turned into a jackass over the last 9 years (since I last attended a Suns game). You know that guy in the stands that screams too loud, makes snarky comments when your team turns the ball over, and feels the need to comment on pretty much everything, including the cheerleaders performance during timeouts? Yeah, that was me tonight. This is what happens to you when you don't get regular in-person exposure to major pro sports.

3. I may have a drinking problem. As the 3rd quarter was winding down, I started to think about getting that last beer before they shut things down at the start of the 4th quarter. Of course, I'd already drank 4 or 5 of the "big" beers at this point. At the 5:44 mark in the 3rd, I began debating if I should head to the beer stand or wait a little longer. But what if there are no timeouts? I'll be screwed! It all worked out, I got another beer, and may need to attend an A.A. meeting when I return to Cali.

That's my report, teacher. You fucking cocksucker.

NOTE: Hopefully, I will be able to post my Anti-Simmons picks tomorrow. If not, see you next week.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Week 9 Anti-Simmons Picks

OK, I was brought back down to earth last week, losing to Simmons 1-2. My two losses were killers. I'm not sure which was worse, watching the Niners give up the 17 point spread in the first 3 minutes of the game or watching the Panthers go up 14-0, then collectively shitting the bed. Good effort, guys. Thanks.

On to this week's picks...


JAGUARS (-10) over Titans

This one was Simmons' spite pick. Good reason to gamble on a game, right? "I'm mad at them for something the coach did last week, so I'll bet against them."

Falcons (-5) over LIONS

Have you seen the Lions play? They're bad. I mean really bad.

Vikings (-5.5) over 49ERS

See above, but even worse.

Last week:

Mike: 1-2
BSG: 2-1


Mike: 3-3
BSG: 3-3

I'm off to Arizona next week on business, so I may not post much. Have a great weekend.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

No Whining!

I love the NBA. As Bill Simmons pointed out in his article yesterday, the NBA instituted a no complaining rule. This keeps (one would hope, anyway) perennial annoying whiners like Rasheed Wallace from constantly bitching about calls or no-calls. You do it once, technical foul. One more time in the same game, take your ass to the showers. Brilliant!

I've been saying to friends (or anyone willing to listen) for years that the NFL needs a similar policy. Mainly for wide receivers.

Why? Because nothing in the game of football annoys me more than watching a WR make that annoying "throw the flag" motion after an incompletion. You know the motion I'm talking about. Sorta looks like the "check, please" motion you'd make in a restaurant. But more flamboyant.

It seems like every time a ball hits the ground on a pass play, some punk WR starts up with this shit. He looks all around, eyes bugging out, frantically looking for a flag. Hey Randy Moss, do us all a favor. Shut your mouth and run your annoying ass back to the huddle.

I'd love to see this become a 15 yard penalty, wouldn't you? Act like a bitch, get bitch slapped, 15 yards at a time.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

It Has Kind Of An Ugly Ring To It...

The Miami Heat got their championship rings last night, then promptly got their asses kicked by the Bulls. Nice going, guys.

But that's not the point of this. No, I'm here to talk about the rings, baby.

First, let's have a look at some old school rings up top there. We have the rings from Superbowl I and Superbowl III. Pretty nice rings. Classy, tasteful, and handsome. Maybe a little too close to your high school ring, but still very nice.

Then we have the Miami Heat rings. Oh my God. Those things are ridiculous! When Craig Sager was on TV holding one, it looked to be about the size of a golf ball. And it has to weigh like 30 pounds.

Who in their right mind would want to walk around wearing something like that, except for the occasional rapper/pimp/halloween party attendee?

So as the rings get bigger & bigger, I have a prediction. By 2010, we'll see rings like this one.

Simmons Hates The Suns

If you read Billy-boy's articles last season, it was pretty clear he did not like the Suns. He consistently complained about Steve Nash and gave the Suns almost no chance in the playoffs (even though they were a clear favorite to go pretty far), going out of his way to bad mouth them to the point that readers began calling him on it. He essentially apologized in one article, then let it go.

Well, he's off to a fast start with his yearly NBA preview column! What did he have to say?

"23. Amare and the Suns
Um ... shouldn't that knee be healthy by now? And why does everyone keep penciling these guys down for 55 wins when we have no idea about Amare's knee..."

Why? Because they're a helluva team, Bill. And you know what? Amare only played in 3 games last season (in a limited role at that), and they finished 62-20, winning the Pacific division.

He goes on to say:

"...they lost Tim Thomas (their toughest guy last season)..."

Bill seems to forget that Thomas didn't even join the team until March last season! Guess how they were doing before Thomas came to town? They were 43-14! They had the same winning percentage before Thomas ever arrived!

Even though Bill wondered why so many people want to pencil the Suns in for 55 wins, he predicts in his column that they'll go 54-28. I know 54 isn't exactly the same as 55, but isn't it close enough to look at his initial words and the prediction, then do a double take? Can I get a loud "HUH?".

I particularly enjoyed his not-so-subtle dig at blogs that complain about him:

"Earlier this summer, Cuban had a great rant about this on his blog. ... You know, back when he used to write about stuff other than the YouTube-Google merger.

(Wait, did I just complain about the content in a free Internet column? Could somebody report me to the Hypocrite Police, please?)"

Priceless. Truly priceless.