Sick of Simmons!

Week 12 Anti-Simmons Picks

2006-11-22T20:34:00.000-08:00

Crap, just as soon as I get even with BSG, I fall behind. Interesting that neither of us has hit all 3 picks in one week...

(HOME TEAMS IN CAPS)

Dolphins (-2.5) over LIONS

After watching my boys take care of the Lions, the only logical thought is the Lions suck ass. Because the Cards suck ass. But the Lions suck more ass. Whatever.

Jaguars (-3) over BILLS

Let's see if the Jags can play worth a shit away from home, eh?

Bears (+3) over PATRIOTS

Pats looked good last week, but it was against the Pack. My 3 year old girl could throw a TD against the Pack right now. Of course, my 3 year old girl could intercept Grossman, too. Screw it, defense wins this game.

Bonus:

Giants (-2) over TITANS

How strange is it that the only pick I got right last week was the Cardinals? Fucking Cardinals.

Last week:

Mike: 1-2
BSG: 2-1

Season:

Mike: 7-8
BSG: 8-7

Pot, Meet Kettle. Kettle, I Think You Know Pot.

2006-11-20T16:30:00.000-08:00

Doesn't a Detroit Lions beat writer referring to the Arizona Cardinals as "lowly" seem a little, well, stupid? I mean, it's the Lions you're covering, pal.

On another note, nice game by the Cards yesterday. No big errors in the game. The running game was OK (not great, but better), Leinart looked good, and the defense did just enough. There were some great plays by the WR corps as well.

Leinart played another solid game at home, but his road performance leaves a lot to be desired. And guess what? They have a two game road trip starting this week! Actually, this week's game at Minnesota may very well be their last real chance for a victory. Remaining opponents: Rams, Broncos, Niners, Chargers. Yes, the Cards beat the Niners in week one, but this is a different team right now. I guess we'll see how each team looks in a few weeks.

Week 11 Anti-Simmons Picks

2006-11-17T12:54:00.000-08:00

I got back on the winning track last week, dammit. BSG and I are all tied now. Time to start pulling away.

To be honest, this week is tough. I agree with all but one of his picks.

(HOME TEAM IN CAPS)

Colts (-1) over COWBOYS

This is the one I disagree with.

CARDINALS (-2) over Lions

I bet against them last week, so I have to take them this week, right? Right? Hello?

Giants (+3.5) over JAGUARS

I hate this pick.

Last week:

Mike: 2-1
BSG: 1-2

Season:

Mike: 6-6
BSG: 6-6

I Never Learn

2006-11-13T11:16:00.000-08:00

Fantasy Football Post-Draft Rule #1

Never bench your studs. Let me rephrase. Never, ever, ever bench your fantasy fucking studs!

Even when ESPN or Fox or SI or CBS or whoever says they have a bad matchup. Not even when they say one of your other options is going to have a huge day. Don't bench your studs! Do you hear me? I said DO YOU HEAR ME? Good.

Chad Johnson scored 66 points on my bench yesterday. Carson Palmer scored 55 on my bench as well.

Next week, I'll start them both and they'll suck. You watch.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck...

Week 10 Anti-Simmons Picks

2006-11-10T09:54:00.000-08:00

After week 9, I'm officially trailing BSG overall. As he would say, not good times. This week is the week I turn things around (I hope)...

(HOME TEAM IN CAPS)

Chargers (-1.5) over BENGALS

Glad I spent a 3rd round pick on Chad Johnson this year!

VIKINGS (-5.5) over Packers

Minny hurt me last week, but I'll give them one more chance. Oh yah, you betcha.

Cowboys (-7) over CARDINALS

I hate betting against my own team, but Dallas should be able to destroy them this week. And Phoenix is Dallas West. This will be the one home game that has almost as many visiting fans as home fans.

Last week:

Mike: 1-2
BSG: 2-1

Season:

Mike: 4-5
BSG: 5-4

What I Learned On My Fall Vacation

2006-11-10T00:12:00.000-08:00

My work wanted to send me to some training for a new software package we are looking at implementing. It just so happened that the next available class was being held in Phoenix, my hometown. Well, close enough. I grew up in Scottsdale. But if you know the Phoenix area, you know how the Phoenix valley works. It's right there.

My Dad took me to the Suns/Mavs game tonight, which I had been anxiously awaiting for the last week. As I sat in the stands tonight, I realized a few things about myself:

1. I'm really missing living in a city where major professional sports are played. Chico, CA is a nice place to live, but there are no major sports. The closest teams are all in the bay area, and when I go to watch sports there, I'm not rooting for the home team. It sucks not being the home team. My experience at the Cardinals/Raiders game this year sucked ass. It's no fun being the visitor, and even less fun being the douche that roots for the visitor.

2. I'm kind of a dick when I root for my team(s). At some point between begging for one of the Suns bench players to take Dirk Nowitzki out of the game, calling Dick Bavetta a fucking cocksucker (which is true) approximately 20 times, and generally losing my voice screaming for the Suns to GET A FUCKING REBOUND, I realized that I've really turned into a jackass over the last 9 years (since I last attended a Suns game). You know that guy in the stands that screams too loud, makes snarky comments when your team turns the ball over, and feels the need to comment on pretty much everything, including the cheerleaders performance during timeouts? Yeah, that was me tonight. This is what happens to you when you don't get regular in-person exposure to major pro sports.

3. I may have a drinking problem. As the 3rd quarter was winding down, I started to think about getting that last beer before they shut things down at the start of the 4th quarter. Of course, I'd already drank 4 or 5 of the "big" beers at this point. At the 5:44 mark in the 3rd, I began debating if I should head to the beer stand or wait a little longer. But what if there are no timeouts? I'll be screwed! It all worked out, I got another beer, and may need to attend an A.A. meeting when I return to Cali.

That's my report, teacher. You fucking cocksucker.

NOTE: Hopefully, I will be able to post my Anti-Simmons picks tomorrow. If not, see you next week.

Week 9 Anti-Simmons Picks

2006-11-03T09:45:00.000-08:00

OK, I was brought back down to earth last week, losing to Simmons 1-2. My two losses were killers. I'm not sure which was worse, watching the Niners give up the 17 point spread in the first 3 minutes of the game or watching the Panthers go up 14-0, then collectively shitting the bed. Good effort, guys. Thanks.

On to this week's picks...

(HOME TEAM IN CAPS)

JAGUARS (-10) over Titans

This one was Simmons' spite pick. Good reason to gamble on a game, right? "I'm mad at them for something the coach did last week, so I'll bet against them."

Falcons (-5) over LIONS

Have you seen the Lions play? They're bad. I mean really bad.

Vikings (-5.5) over 49ERS

See above, but even worse.

Last week:

Mike: 1-2
BSG: 2-1

Season:

Mike: 3-3
BSG: 3-3

I'm off to Arizona next week on business, so I may not post much. Have a great weekend.

No Whining!

2006-11-02T11:17:00.000-08:00

I love the NBA. As Bill Simmons pointed out in his article yesterday, the NBA instituted a no complaining rule. This keeps (one would hope, anyway) perennial annoying whiners like Rasheed Wallace from constantly bitching about calls or no-calls. You do it once, technical foul. One more time in the same game, take your ass to the showers. Brilliant!

I've been saying to friends (or anyone willing to listen) for years that the NFL needs a similar policy. Mainly for wide receivers.

Why? Because nothing in the game of football annoys me more than watching a WR make that annoying "throw the flag" motion after an incompletion. You know the motion I'm talking about. Sorta looks like the "check, please" motion you'd make in a restaurant. But more flamboyant.

It seems like every time a ball hits the ground on a pass play, some punk WR starts up with this shit. He looks all around, eyes bugging out, frantically looking for a flag. Hey Randy Moss, do us all a favor. Shut your mouth and run your annoying ass back to the huddle.

I'd love to see this become a 15 yard penalty, wouldn't you? Act like a bitch, get bitch slapped, 15 yards at a time.

It Has Kind Of An Ugly Ring To It...

2006-11-01T14:32:00.000-08:00

The Miami Heat got their championship rings last night, then promptly got their asses kicked by the Bulls. Nice going, guys.

But that's not the point of this. No, I'm here to talk about the rings, baby.

First, let's have a look at some old school rings up top there. We have the rings from Superbowl I and Superbowl III. Pretty nice rings. Classy, tasteful, and handsome. Maybe a little too close to your high school ring, but still very nice.

Then we have the Miami Heat rings. Oh my God. Those things are ridiculous! When Craig Sager was on TV holding one, it looked to be about the size of a golf ball. And it has to weigh like 30 pounds.

Who in their right mind would want to walk around wearing something like that, except for the occasional rapper/pimp/halloween party attendee?

So as the rings get bigger & bigger, I have a prediction. By 2010, we'll see rings like this one.

Simmons Hates The Suns

2006-11-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

If you read Billy-boy's articles last season, it was pretty clear he did not like the Suns. He consistently complained about Steve Nash and gave the Suns almost no chance in the playoffs (even though they were a clear favorite to go pretty far), going out of his way to bad mouth them to the point that readers began calling him on it. He essentially apologized in one article, then let it go.

Well, he's off to a fast start with his yearly NBA preview column! What did he have to say?

"23. Amare and the Suns
Um ... shouldn't that knee be healthy by now? And why does everyone keep penciling these guys down for 55 wins when we have no idea about Amare's knee..."

Why? Because they're a helluva team, Bill. And you know what? Amare only played in 3 games last season (in a limited role at that), and they finished 62-20, winning the Pacific division.

He goes on to say:

"...they lost Tim Thomas (their toughest guy last season)..."

Bill seems to forget that Thomas didn't even join the team until March last season! Guess how they were doing before Thomas came to town? They were 43-14! They had the same winning percentage before Thomas ever arrived!

Even though Bill wondered why so many people want to pencil the Suns in for 55 wins, he predicts in his column that they'll go 54-28. I know 54 isn't exactly the same as 55, but isn't it close enough to look at his initial words and the prediction, then do a double take? Can I get a loud "HUH?".

I particularly enjoyed his not-so-subtle dig at blogs that complain about him:

"Earlier this summer, Cuban had a great rant about this on his blog. ... You know, back when he used to write about stuff other than the YouTube-Google merger.

(Wait, did I just complain about the content in a free Internet column? Could somebody report me to the Hypocrite Police, please?)"

Priceless. Truly priceless.

Simmons Wiki Wiki Wiki

2006-10-31T13:20:00.000-08:00

Oh man, BSG has a lovely little Wikipedia entry. Is anyone else surprised that he attended not only a nice white rich kids school in Connecticut, but also a prep school (and of course, Holy Cross. Man, it doesn't get any more white bread than that.)?

I particularly like the link at the end for a Sports Guy Mad Lib.

R.I.P. Red

2006-10-30T11:53:00.000-08:00

Sad news over the weekend. Red really had so much to do with the success of the NBA, every fan should quietly thank him in their own way.

I'll lay off Simmons today and just link to his ESPN Page 2 article on Red. Very touching.

Week 8 Anti-Simmons Picks

2006-10-27T09:35:00.000-07:00

After a good start last week, I'm feeling pretty good. I didn't hit my parlay card, but I never really expect to win those anyway. It's just for fun, so what the hell?

In this week's BSG article, he ranks Arizona dead last among NFL teams, and the worst part is, I can't argue. Man, it's hard being a Cardinals fan. I hate you, Simmons.

On to week 2 of my experiment...

(HOME TEAM IN CAPS)

49ers (+16) over Bears

16 is an anwful lot of points in the NFL. I'll take it.

PACKERS (-4) over Cardinals

I hate to bet against my own team, but bidness is bidness. Let's see, Simmons ranks the Cards dead last and the Packers 23rd. The Pack is at HOME, and he's picking Zona? I don't get it.

PANTHERS (-5.5) over Cowboys

Tony Romo? Not yet, pal.

Last week:

Mike: 2-1
BSG: 1-2

Season:

Mike: 2-1
BSG: 1-2

See you all Monday.

Kurt Warner Hates Michael J. Fox

2006-10-26T13:15:00.000-07:00

Apparently Kurt Warner, along with St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Jeff Suppan will be joining actress Patricia Heaton in a commercial urging Missouri voters to vote no on Amendment 2 on their ballot.
Amendment 2 would allow for stem cell research to help battle diseases such as Parkinson's, which actor Michael J. Fox is afflicted with.

This is certainly no surprise given Warner's religious views. I prefer to take the "never discuss religion or politics" stance here.

FOX News article here.

Is Your Fantasy A Nightmare?

2006-10-25T11:46:00.000-07:00

Week 7 just passed, and like many fantasy football owners, your team isn't performing anywhere near your expectations. Yeah, FF is a crapshoot like that sometimes.

Maybe some of your players aren't performing at the level you thought they would, but many of you are finding that you are very strong at some positions, but weak at others. Chances are, your drafting strategy caused this.

I'm here to help, my friends. For the low, low cost of zero dollars you can learn about value-based drafting. I learned about this strategy years ago and have used it with a lot of success ever since. You'll find that your teams are stronger from top to bottom than ever before. Trust me, it works.

Check it out. It's an interesting read and (in my case at least) a proven system. And it translates into other fantasy sports, like basketball and baseball. Bookmark the site or print it out, then read it again next year before you prepare for your draft.

In the meantime, anyone want to trade for Edgerrin James? You can have him cheap. Seriously.

Oh Those Guilty Pleasures

2006-10-24T12:05:00.000-07:00

We all have them. Maybe you're a huge lumberjack, yet every time you watch the ending of Pretty Woman you cry like a baby.

Maybe you're a vegetarian, but really like beef jerky.

Maybe, just maybe you're an intellectual, but every time WWE wrestling comes on the tube, you just have to watch.

And maybe you love contact sports; the hard hitting, the fighting, all of the manly aspects, you know. And yet you really enjoy reading a blog about sports uniforms. Oh wait, that's my guilty pleasure.

OK, I admit it, I like reading this guy's stuff. I was never particularly interested in uniform research until I started reading Paul Lukas' articles at ESPN Page 2. Then he recently started his own daily uniform blog.

Check it out.

Week 7 Anti-Simmons Pick Results

2006-10-24T09:12:00.000-07:00

I'm off to a good start against the Boston Sports Guy (let's face it, he has no business calling himself "The Sports Guy". That takes balls, and someone who admits to watching Beverly Hills 90210, Laguna Beach, and The OC clearly has no balls. These are all teeny-bopper girl shows. So I'll call him by his old moniker, BSG, since most of his schtick revolves around comparisons to various Boston-area players and teams).

This week, I went 2-1 against Simmons' picks. I hit Denver & Giants, he hit Tampa.

Season standings:

Mike - 2-1
BSG - 1-2

This week's picks coming Friday.

Real Men Of Genius

2006-10-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

(Editor's note: a new version of the long-running Budweiser commercial, inspired by the guy sitting in section 306, row 3, seat 13 at Oakland Coliseum yesterday)

Real men of genius...

Here's to you, Mr. Drunkest Fan in the Stadium Guy.

Mr. Drunkest Fan in the Stadium Guy!

You drink as many beers and shots as humanly possible (and then some) before the game to ensure you'll be the best fan there.

You drink way too muuu-uch!

You continue to drink at the stadium, one beer in each hand.

That's the most they'll sell one person at a tiii-ime!

You scream, cuss, and spew nacho cheese sauce on everyone around you, then dump one of your beers on a 4 year old child in the row in front of you.

You might be an alco-holic!

When the father of the kid you just drenched calls you on your behavior, you tell him to fuck off.

You certainly are an asshole!

This one's for YOU Mr. Drunkest Fan in the Stadium Guy!

The Gatorade Conspiracy

2006-10-20T16:52:00.000-07:00

Wow, I never noticed. This dude is onto something...

Week 7 Anti-Simmons Picks

2006-10-20T13:19:00.000-07:00

Of course, as soon as I decide to start doing this, I actually agree with almost all of Boston Sports Guy's picks. Sigh. OK, here's where it starts...

(HOME TEAMS IN CAPS)

Broncos (-4.5) over BROWNS

BSG makes a valid point about Plummer on the road, but Cleveland sucks.

Eagles (-5.5) over BUCS

This could bite me in the ass if Westbrook sits. Still, Tampa sucks this year.

Giants (+3) over COWBOYS

T.O. has a nuclear meltdown on national TV.

Yep, taking the road team in each. Two are underdogs. Dangerous? Hell yes. Back with results Monday. I'll be at the Raiders/Cardinals game Sunday, which should be a crapfest all around. Go Cardinals!

Weekly Anti-Simmons Picks

2006-10-20T11:17:00.000-07:00

It's time to try something new. Every Friday, I'll post a 3 team parlay card I will be playing for the weekend's NFL games. As most of you know, my best pal Bill Simmons posts his picks every Friday in his ESPN Page 2 column.

This year, to add a gimmick to this, his wife is providing her picks as well. Now, she knows zilch about sports, or more importantly, gambling. Yet she's kicking his ass so far this season. Which really goes to show how much a crapshoot gambling can be.

I'm not a big gambler, do I do like to play a parlay card each week for fun. Nothing more than $20, that way my wife and kids still have a home and food. You know, responsibilities and all.

My weekly card will now be a 3-teamer in which I'll pick opposite of Bill's posted picks (essentially playing the role of the house). I'll just pick what I think are the 3 most obvious missed picks by Simmons and go from there.

He hasn't posted his picks yet, so once I see them, I'll post the picks for week 7.

We Get It, It's The Red Zone

2006-10-19T11:00:00.000-07:00

What is it with the NFL broadcasts and their damn graphics? Fox has gone way overboard, making their broadcast more and more like a video game every year. Video game sounds, graphics (gotta love that robot football player, right?), it's getting really old.

ESPN has an annoying floating scoreboard at the bottom of the screen that often hides some of the things I want to see on the field. I've seen it block the view of a fumble, for instance.

CBS really takes the cake, though. Since the advent of the yellow first down line (my wife actually once asked me how they're able to paint that thing on the field so fast every time someone gets a first down. Yes, she's blonde.), they've gone even further, adding a blue line of scrimmage line.

And since they're not putting enough fake crap on the field with those two things, they decided it would be a great idea to make the field look like a sea of blood any time a team gets into the red zone. They even give you the team's red zone success statistics on the graphic, which ends up looking horrible when it runs into the yardage numbers on the field (see picture).

Can we get back to a simple broadcast, with only a small box with the score plus down & distance, please?

Great XMAS Gift Idea For Arizona Cardinals Fans

2006-10-18T11:45:00.000-07:00

What do you buy for the Arizona Cardinals fan that has everything (except self-respect and dignity, of course)? You get them one of the many fine t-shirts from CardinalTears.com!

These shirts really sum up the Cardinals fan experience. My personal favorites are "Go Suns", "Nice Stadium", "Fumbling For Words" (not Kurt Warner's personal fave I hear), and the one that really sums things up best "I Am A Loser".

Yup, that's me!

Typical

2006-10-17T12:04:00.000-07:00

"Shocking " is the term I'm seeing a lot today regarding the Cardinals collapse in last night's game. "Unbelievable". "Inconceivable". "Incredible". "Unthinkable".

All words that describe the monumental string of brain farts that resulted in a Cardinals loss after leading the game by 20 points at halftime, even leading by the same margin late in the third quarter. I won't bore you with any more details, as I'm sure you've read about it by now.

But anyone who's followed the Cardinals (as I have) since they darkened the doorstep of Arizona wouldn't pick any one of those words to describe their reaction to the outcome. No, the word we'd choose is "typical".

This is the exact outcome Cardinals fans have come to expect. If you're not heartbroken, you're not a Cardinals fan. Quite honestly, nothing would surprise us at this point.

And today, the Cardinals fired the offensive coordinator. If that isn't a typical management move, I don't know what is. Let's ignore the real problem (the offensive line) and make some sort of ceremonial firing to appease the fans. That should do the trick.

Man, I'm fucking bitter today. I need a drink.

On a happy note, they did cover the spread.

Bears vs. Cards

2006-10-16T12:19:00.000-07:00

Every (and I mean every) prediction has the Bears manhandling the Cardinals in tonight's MNF matchup. No one is even giving the Cards a remote chance of keeping the game close.

Is it just me, or does this have Upset Potential written all over it?

I'm going against the grain and picking Cardinals, 17-13.