Sick of Simmons!

Week 12 Anti-Simmons Picks

2006-11-22T20:34:00.000-08:00

Crap, just as soon as I get even with BSG, I fall behind. Interesting that neither of us has hit all 3 picks in one week...

(HOME TEAMS IN CAPS)

Dolphins (-2.5) over LIONS

After watching my boys take care of the Lions, the only logical thought is the Lions suck ass. Because the Cards suck ass. But the Lions suck more ass. Whatever.

Jaguars (-3) over BILLS

Let's see if the Jags can play worth a shit away from home, eh?

Bears (+3) over PATRIOTS

Pats looked good last week, but it was against the Pack. My 3 year old girl could throw a TD against the Pack right now. Of course, my 3 year old girl could intercept Grossman, too. Screw it, defense wins this game.

Bonus:

Giants (-2) over TITANS

How strange is it that the only pick I got right last week was the Cardinals? Fucking Cardinals.

Last week:

Mike: 1-2
BSG: 2-1

Season:

Mike: 7-8
BSG: 8-7

Pot, Meet Kettle. Kettle, I Think You Know Pot.

2006-11-20T16:30:00.000-08:00

Doesn't a Detroit Lions beat writer referring to the Arizona Cardinals as "lowly" seem a little, well, stupid? I mean, it's the Lions you're covering, pal.

On another note, nice game by the Cards yesterday. No big errors in the game. The running game was OK (not great, but better), Leinart looked good, and the defense did just enough. There were some great plays by the WR corps as well.

Leinart played another solid game at home, but his road performance leaves a lot to be desired. And guess what? They have a two game road trip starting this week! Actually, this week's game at Minnesota may very well be their last real chance for a victory. Remaining opponents: Rams, Broncos, Niners, Chargers. Yes, the Cards beat the Niners in week one, but this is a different team right now. I guess we'll see how each team looks in a few weeks.

Week 11 Anti-Simmons Picks

2006-11-17T12:54:00.000-08:00

I got back on the winning track last week, dammit. BSG and I are all tied now. Time to start pulling away.

To be honest, this week is tough. I agree with all but one of his picks.

(HOME TEAM IN CAPS)

Colts (-1) over COWBOYS

This is the one I disagree with.

CARDINALS (-2) over Lions

I bet against them last week, so I have to take them this week, right? Right? Hello?

Giants (+3.5) over JAGUARS

I hate this pick.

Last week:

Mike: 2-1
BSG: 1-2

Season:

Mike: 6-6
BSG: 6-6

I Never Learn

2006-11-13T11:16:00.000-08:00

Fantasy Football Post-Draft Rule #1

Never bench your studs. Let me rephrase. Never, ever, ever bench your fantasy fucking studs!

Even when ESPN or Fox or SI or CBS or whoever says they have a bad matchup. Not even when they say one of your other options is going to have a huge day. Don't bench your studs! Do you hear me? I said DO YOU HEAR ME? Good.

Chad Johnson scored 66 points on my bench yesterday. Carson Palmer scored 55 on my bench as well.

Next week, I'll start them both and they'll suck. You watch.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck...

Week 10 Anti-Simmons Picks

2006-11-10T09:54:00.000-08:00

After week 9, I'm officially trailing BSG overall. As he would say, not good times. This week is the week I turn things around (I hope)...

(HOME TEAM IN CAPS)

Chargers (-1.5) over BENGALS

Glad I spent a 3rd round pick on Chad Johnson this year!

VIKINGS (-5.5) over Packers

Minny hurt me last week, but I'll give them one more chance. Oh yah, you betcha.

Cowboys (-7) over CARDINALS

I hate betting against my own team, but Dallas should be able to destroy them this week. And Phoenix is Dallas West. This will be the one home game that has almost as many visiting fans as home fans.

Last week:

Mike: 1-2
BSG: 2-1

Season:

Mike: 4-5
BSG: 5-4

What I Learned On My Fall Vacation

2006-11-10T00:12:00.000-08:00

My work wanted to send me to some training for a new software package we are looking at implementing. It just so happened that the next available class was being held in Phoenix, my hometown. Well, close enough. I grew up in Scottsdale. But if you know the Phoenix area, you know how the Phoenix valley works. It's right there.

My Dad took me to the Suns/Mavs game tonight, which I had been anxiously awaiting for the last week. As I sat in the stands tonight, I realized a few things about myself:

1. I'm really missing living in a city where major professional sports are played. Chico, CA is a nice place to live, but there are no major sports. The closest teams are all in the bay area, and when I go to watch sports there, I'm not rooting for the home team. It sucks not being the home team. My experience at the Cardinals/Raiders game this year sucked ass. It's no fun being the visitor, and even less fun being the douche that roots for the visitor.

2. I'm kind of a dick when I root for my team(s). At some point between begging for one of the Suns bench players to take Dirk Nowitzki out of the game, calling Dick Bavetta a fucking cocksucker (which is true) approximately 20 times, and generally losing my voice screaming for the Suns to GET A FUCKING REBOUND, I realized that I've really turned into a jackass over the last 9 years (since I last attended a Suns game). You know that guy in the stands that screams too loud, makes snarky comments when your team turns the ball over, and feels the need to comment on pretty much everything, including the cheerleaders performance during timeouts? Yeah, that was me tonight. This is what happens to you when you don't get regular in-person exposure to major pro sports.

3. I may have a drinking problem. As the 3rd quarter was winding down, I started to think about getting that last beer before they shut things down at the start of the 4th quarter. Of course, I'd already drank 4 or 5 of the "big" beers at this point. At the 5:44 mark in the 3rd, I began debating if I should head to the beer stand or wait a little longer. But what if there are no timeouts? I'll be screwed! It all worked out, I got another beer, and may need to attend an A.A. meeting when I return to Cali.

That's my report, teacher. You fucking cocksucker.

NOTE: Hopefully, I will be able to post my Anti-Simmons picks tomorrow. If not, see you next week.

Week 9 Anti-Simmons Picks

2006-11-03T09:45:00.000-08:00

OK, I was brought back down to earth last week, losing to Simmons 1-2. My two losses were killers. I'm not sure which was worse, watching the Niners give up the 17 point spread in the first 3 minutes of the game or watching the Panthers go up 14-0, then collectively shitting the bed. Good effort, guys. Thanks.

On to this week's picks...

(HOME TEAM IN CAPS)

JAGUARS (-10) over Titans

This one was Simmons' spite pick. Good reason to gamble on a game, right? "I'm mad at them for something the coach did last week, so I'll bet against them."

Falcons (-5) over LIONS

Have you seen the Lions play? They're bad. I mean really bad.

Vikings (-5.5) over 49ERS

See above, but even worse.

Last week:

Mike: 1-2
BSG: 2-1

Season:

Mike: 3-3
BSG: 3-3

I'm off to Arizona next week on business, so I may not post much. Have a great weekend.

No Whining!

2006-11-02T11:17:00.000-08:00

I love the NBA. As Bill Simmons pointed out in his article yesterday, the NBA instituted a no complaining rule. This keeps (one would hope, anyway) perennial annoying whiners like Rasheed Wallace from constantly bitching about calls or no-calls. You do it once, technical foul. One more time in the same game, take your ass to the showers. Brilliant!

I've been saying to friends (or anyone willing to listen) for years that the NFL needs a similar policy. Mainly for wide receivers.

Why? Because nothing in the game of football annoys me more than watching a WR make that annoying "throw the flag" motion after an incompletion. You know the motion I'm talking about. Sorta looks like the "check, please" motion you'd make in a restaurant. But more flamboyant.

It seems like every time a ball hits the ground on a pass play, some punk WR starts up with this shit. He looks all around, eyes bugging out, frantically looking for a flag. Hey Randy Moss, do us all a favor. Shut your mouth and run your annoying ass back to the huddle.

I'd love to see this become a 15 yard penalty, wouldn't you? Act like a bitch, get bitch slapped, 15 yards at a time.

It Has Kind Of An Ugly Ring To It...

2006-11-01T14:32:00.000-08:00

The Miami Heat got their championship rings last night, then promptly got their asses kicked by the Bulls. Nice going, guys.

But that's not the point of this. No, I'm here to talk about the rings, baby.

First, let's have a look at some old school rings up top there. We have the rings from Superbowl I and Superbowl III. Pretty nice rings. Classy, tasteful, and handsome. Maybe a little too close to your high school ring, but still very nice.

Then we have the Miami Heat rings. Oh my God. Those things are ridiculous! When Craig Sager was on TV holding one, it looked to be about the size of a golf ball. And it has to weigh like 30 pounds.

Who in their right mind would want to walk around wearing something like that, except for the occasional rapper/pimp/halloween party attendee?

So as the rings get bigger & bigger, I have a prediction. By 2010, we'll see rings like this one.

Simmons Hates The Suns

2006-11-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

If you read Billy-boy's articles last season, it was pretty clear he did not like the Suns. He consistently complained about Steve Nash and gave the Suns almost no chance in the playoffs (even though they were a clear favorite to go pretty far), going out of his way to bad mouth them to the point that readers began calling him on it. He essentially apologized in one article, then let it go.

Well, he's off to a fast start with his yearly NBA preview column! What did he have to say?

"23. Amare and the Suns
Um ... shouldn't that knee be healthy by now? And why does everyone keep penciling these guys down for 55 wins when we have no idea about Amare's knee..."

Why? Because they're a helluva team, Bill. And you know what? Amare only played in 3 games last season (in a limited role at that), and they finished 62-20, winning the Pacific division.

He goes on to say:

"...they lost Tim Thomas (their toughest guy last season)..."

Bill seems to forget that Thomas didn't even join the team until March last season! Guess how they were doing before Thomas came to town? They were 43-14! They had the same winning percentage before Thomas ever arrived!

Even though Bill wondered why so many people want to pencil the Suns in for 55 wins, he predicts in his column that they'll go 54-28. I know 54 isn't exactly the same as 55, but isn't it close enough to look at his initial words and the prediction, then do a double take? Can I get a loud "HUH?".

I particularly enjoyed his not-so-subtle dig at blogs that complain about him:

"Earlier this summer, Cuban had a great rant about this on his blog. ... You know, back when he used to write about stuff other than the YouTube-Google merger.

(Wait, did I just complain about the content in a free Internet column? Could somebody report me to the Hypocrite Police, please?)"

Priceless. Truly priceless.

Simmons Wiki Wiki Wiki

2006-10-31T13:20:00.000-08:00

Oh man, BSG has a lovely little Wikipedia entry. Is anyone else surprised that he attended not only a nice white rich kids school in Connecticut, but also a prep school (and of course, Holy Cross. Man, it doesn't get any more white bread than that.)?

I particularly like the link at the end for a Sports Guy Mad Lib.

R.I.P. Red

2006-10-30T11:53:00.000-08:00

Sad news over the weekend. Red really had so much to do with the success of the NBA, every fan should quietly thank him in their own way.

I'll lay off Simmons today and just link to his ESPN Page 2 article on Red. Very touching.

Week 8 Anti-Simmons Picks

2006-10-27T09:35:00.000-07:00

After a good start last week, I'm feeling pretty good. I didn't hit my parlay card, but I never really expect to win those anyway. It's just for fun, so what the hell?

In this week's BSG article, he ranks Arizona dead last among NFL teams, and the worst part is, I can't argue. Man, it's hard being a Cardinals fan. I hate you, Simmons.

On to week 2 of my experiment...

(HOME TEAM IN CAPS)

49ers (+16) over Bears

16 is an anwful lot of points in the NFL. I'll take it.

PACKERS (-4) over Cardinals

I hate to bet against my own team, but bidness is bidness. Let's see, Simmons ranks the Cards dead last and the Packers 23rd. The Pack is at HOME, and he's picking Zona? I don't get it.

PANTHERS (-5.5) over Cowboys

Tony Romo? Not yet, pal.

Last week:

Mike: 2-1
BSG: 1-2

Season:

Mike: 2-1
BSG: 1-2

See you all Monday.

Kurt Warner Hates Michael J. Fox

2006-10-26T13:15:00.000-07:00

Apparently Kurt Warner, along with St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Jeff Suppan will be joining actress Patricia Heaton in a commercial urging Missouri voters to vote no on Amendment 2 on their ballot.
Amendment 2 would allow for stem cell research to help battle diseases such as Parkinson's, which actor Michael J. Fox is afflicted with.

This is certainly no surprise given Warner's religious views. I prefer to take the "never discuss religion or politics" stance here.

FOX News article here.

Is Your Fantasy A Nightmare?

2006-10-25T11:46:00.000-07:00

Week 7 just passed, and like many fantasy football owners, your team isn't performing anywhere near your expectations. Yeah, FF is a crapshoot like that sometimes.

Maybe some of your players aren't performing at the level you thought they would, but many of you are finding that you are very strong at some positions, but weak at others. Chances are, your drafting strategy caused this.

I'm here to help, my friends. For the low, low cost of zero dollars you can learn about value-based drafting. I learned about this strategy years ago and have used it with a lot of success ever since. You'll find that your teams are stronger from top to bottom than ever before. Trust me, it works.

Check it out. It's an interesting read and (in my case at least) a proven system. And it translates into other fantasy sports, like basketball and baseball. Bookmark the site or print it out, then read it again next year before you prepare for your draft.

In the meantime, anyone want to trade for Edgerrin James? You can have him cheap. Seriously.

Oh Those Guilty Pleasures

2006-10-24T12:05:00.000-07:00

We all have them. Maybe you're a huge lumberjack, yet every time you watch the ending of Pretty Woman you cry like a baby.

Maybe you're a vegetarian, but really like beef jerky.

Maybe, just maybe you're an intellectual, but every time WWE wrestling comes on the tube, you just have to watch.

And maybe you love contact sports; the hard hitting, the fighting, all of the manly aspects, you know. And yet you really enjoy reading a blog about sports uniforms. Oh wait, that's my guilty pleasure.

OK, I admit it, I like reading this guy's stuff. I was never particularly interested in uniform research until I started reading Paul Lukas' articles at ESPN Page 2. Then he recently started his own daily uniform blog.

Check it out.

Week 7 Anti-Simmons Pick Results

2006-10-24T09:12:00.000-07:00

I'm off to a good start against the Boston Sports Guy (let's face it, he has no business calling himself "The Sports Guy". That takes balls, and someone who admits to watching Beverly Hills 90210, Laguna Beach, and The OC clearly has no balls. These are all teeny-bopper girl shows. So I'll call him by his old moniker, BSG, since most of his schtick revolves around comparisons to various Boston-area players and teams).

This week, I went 2-1 against Simmons' picks. I hit Denver & Giants, he hit Tampa.

Season standings:

Mike - 2-1
BSG - 1-2

This week's picks coming Friday.

Real Men Of Genius

2006-10-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

(Editor's note: a new version of the long-running Budweiser commercial, inspired by the guy sitting in section 306, row 3, seat 13 at Oakland Coliseum yesterday)

Real men of genius...

Here's to you, Mr. Drunkest Fan in the Stadium Guy.

Mr. Drunkest Fan in the Stadium Guy!

You drink as many beers and shots as humanly possible (and then some) before the game to ensure you'll be the best fan there.

You drink way too muuu-uch!

You continue to drink at the stadium, one beer in each hand.

That's the most they'll sell one person at a tiii-ime!

You scream, cuss, and spew nacho cheese sauce on everyone around you, then dump one of your beers on a 4 year old child in the row in front of you.

You might be an alco-holic!

When the father of the kid you just drenched calls you on your behavior, you tell him to fuck off.

You certainly are an asshole!

This one's for YOU Mr. Drunkest Fan in the Stadium Guy!

The Gatorade Conspiracy

2006-10-20T16:52:00.000-07:00

Wow, I never noticed. This dude is onto something...

Week 7 Anti-Simmons Picks

2006-10-20T13:19:00.000-07:00

Of course, as soon as I decide to start doing this, I actually agree with almost all of Boston Sports Guy's picks. Sigh. OK, here's where it starts...

(HOME TEAMS IN CAPS)

Broncos (-4.5) over BROWNS

BSG makes a valid point about Plummer on the road, but Cleveland sucks.

Eagles (-5.5) over BUCS

This could bite me in the ass if Westbrook sits. Still, Tampa sucks this year.

Giants (+3) over COWBOYS

T.O. has a nuclear meltdown on national TV.

Yep, taking the road team in each. Two are underdogs. Dangerous? Hell yes. Back with results Monday. I'll be at the Raiders/Cardinals game Sunday, which should be a crapfest all around. Go Cardinals!

Weekly Anti-Simmons Picks

2006-10-20T11:17:00.000-07:00

It's time to try something new. Every Friday, I'll post a 3 team parlay card I will be playing for the weekend's NFL games. As most of you know, my best pal Bill Simmons posts his picks every Friday in his ESPN Page 2 column.

This year, to add a gimmick to this, his wife is providing her picks as well. Now, she knows zilch about sports, or more importantly, gambling. Yet she's kicking his ass so far this season. Which really goes to show how much a crapshoot gambling can be.

I'm not a big gambler, do I do like to play a parlay card each week for fun. Nothing more than $20, that way my wife and kids still have a home and food. You know, responsibilities and all.

My weekly card will now be a 3-teamer in which I'll pick opposite of Bill's posted picks (essentially playing the role of the house). I'll just pick what I think are the 3 most obvious missed picks by Simmons and go from there.

He hasn't posted his picks yet, so once I see them, I'll post the picks for week 7.

We Get It, It's The Red Zone

2006-10-19T11:00:00.000-07:00

What is it with the NFL broadcasts and their damn graphics? Fox has gone way overboard, making their broadcast more and more like a video game every year. Video game sounds, graphics (gotta love that robot football player, right?), it's getting really old.

ESPN has an annoying floating scoreboard at the bottom of the screen that often hides some of the things I want to see on the field. I've seen it block the view of a fumble, for instance.

CBS really takes the cake, though. Since the advent of the yellow first down line (my wife actually once asked me how they're able to paint that thing on the field so fast every time someone gets a first down. Yes, she's blonde.), they've gone even further, adding a blue line of scrimmage line.

And since they're not putting enough fake crap on the field with those two things, they decided it would be a great idea to make the field look like a sea of blood any time a team gets into the red zone. They even give you the team's red zone success statistics on the graphic, which ends up looking horrible when it runs into the yardage numbers on the field (see picture).

Can we get back to a simple broadcast, with only a small box with the score plus down & distance, please?

Great XMAS Gift Idea For Arizona Cardinals Fans

2006-10-18T11:45:00.000-07:00

What do you buy for the Arizona Cardinals fan that has everything (except self-respect and dignity, of course)? You get them one of the many fine t-shirts from CardinalTears.com!

These shirts really sum up the Cardinals fan experience. My personal favorites are "Go Suns", "Nice Stadium", "Fumbling For Words" (not Kurt Warner's personal fave I hear), and the one that really sums things up best "I Am A Loser".

Yup, that's me!

Typical

2006-10-17T12:04:00.000-07:00

"Shocking " is the term I'm seeing a lot today regarding the Cardinals collapse in last night's game. "Unbelievable". "Inconceivable". "Incredible". "Unthinkable".

All words that describe the monumental string of brain farts that resulted in a Cardinals loss after leading the game by 20 points at halftime, even leading by the same margin late in the third quarter. I won't bore you with any more details, as I'm sure you've read about it by now.

But anyone who's followed the Cardinals (as I have) since they darkened the doorstep of Arizona wouldn't pick any one of those words to describe their reaction to the outcome. No, the word we'd choose is "typical".

This is the exact outcome Cardinals fans have come to expect. If you're not heartbroken, you're not a Cardinals fan. Quite honestly, nothing would surprise us at this point.

And today, the Cardinals fired the offensive coordinator. If that isn't a typical management move, I don't know what is. Let's ignore the real problem (the offensive line) and make some sort of ceremonial firing to appease the fans. That should do the trick.

Man, I'm fucking bitter today. I need a drink.

On a happy note, they did cover the spread.

Bears vs. Cards

2006-10-16T12:19:00.000-07:00

Every (and I mean every) prediction has the Bears manhandling the Cardinals in tonight's MNF matchup. No one is even giving the Cards a remote chance of keeping the game close.

Is it just me, or does this have Upset Potential written all over it?

I'm going against the grain and picking Cardinals, 17-13.

Weekend Misc.

2006-10-16T11:55:00.000-07:00

Missed some posts last week while I was out sick. Back to normal now, so let's start the week with two things from this weekend...

1. Who greenlighted the idea of Pam Ward calling the Iowa/Indiana game Saturday? Fire their ass immediately. Listening to her call a football game was the equivalent of rubbing a cheese grater over my balls. Pure torture. I'm all for women in the workplace, sports included. But maybe football isn't the best place for a woman to be calling the action.

2. Anyone crying over Larry Johnson taking down Troy Polamalu by the hair needs to shut up. Seriously. If you wear your hair long, hanging out of your helmet, you should expect someone to grab you by it in a game. You don't want to be tackled by your hair? Put that shit in a bun or something and keep it under your helmet. Or stay in the kitchen. Or whatever.

It's My Birthday

2006-10-12T10:58:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so October 12th is my birthday. Yay me. I decided to find out which famous athletes share my birthday. I found a long list of famous people here, and the pickins are pretty slim.

Here's a select few from the list:

Scott Von Der Ahe, linebacker for the Indianapolis Colts
Singor Mobley, safety for the Dallas Cowboys
Charlie Ward, NBA guard for the New York Knicks/Heisman Trophy winner 1993
Jose Valentin, Manati Puerto Rico, infielder for the Milwaukee Brewers
Nancy Ann Kerrigan, Woburn Massachusetts, figure skater, Olympics-silver-1994
Leon Lett, NFL defensive tackle for the Dallas Cowboys
Chris Chandler, NFL quarterback, Houston Oilers, Atlanta Falcons
Michael Zordich, NFL strong safety for the Philadelphia Eagles
Sid Fernandez, born in Honolulu, Hawaii, pitcher, New York Mets, Philadelphia Phillies

Not exactly A-listers, eh? At least I know who some of these people are, I guess.

I was forced to put up with Chris Chandelier when he played for the Cardinals (yes, I'm one of 7 Cards fans in existence). Always talented, but never on the field.

But I can laugh when I picture Leon Lett's two major football blunders. I might have considered a one-nighter with Nancy Kerrigan in her prime (although her horse teeth might have scared me away).

My actors/musicians are much better:

Luciano Pavarotti, born in Modena, Italy, operatic tenor, Oh Giorgio, 3 Tenors
Sam Moore, born in Miami, Florida, rock vocalist, Sam and Dave-Soul Sister
Jeff Keith, rock vocalist, Tesla-Psychotic Supper
Pat Dinizio, rock vocalist, Smithereens
Kirk Cameron, born in Panorama City, California, actor, Mike-Growing Pains

(You know you loved Growing Pains, dammit)

Message To The Douche At The Bar Sunday

2006-10-10T13:03:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Mike. I play fantasy football. Obviously, you do too. Fantasy football is a blast. It makes Sundays just that more interesting. Now I can watch the Niners/Raiders shitfest and actually care because I happen to have Randy Moss on my fantasy roster.

But you know what? No one cares who the hell is on your roster. We sure as hell don't care that you only lost your last matchup because you left Santana Moss on the bench and he scored, like, 50 points or something. We already know you're a moron. You don't need to remind us.

We certainly don't give a rat's ass that you're on pace to set your league's record in scoring, or that you drafted Rex Grossman "for shits and giggles" in the last round of your draft, and now look what he's doing.

And you know what else, douche? We really don't need to hear you, the fake coach, screaming at the real life head coach on TV because he yanked your running back in favor of the goal line back. We're trying to enjoy the game, but you've been whining, bitching, and bragging for the last 3 hours about your fucking fantasy team.

And while we're at it, hey, Mr. Gambler Wannabe at the the end of the bar... we don't give two shits about your 5 team parlay card. If you're playing one of those cards instead of placing your bets at an online sportsbook, you've already announced to the world that you're a retard. Retards always get 4 out of 5 picks on their card, too.

Now, can I watch the next game in peace? Oh, you also play in a pickem' pool? Great, now he's telling me about that shit, too...

She Learned Her Technique From Manu

2006-10-06T12:56:00.000-07:00

I can only guess that Eva must have spent some time with Tony Parker's teammate Manu Ginobili. That's quite a flop.

I Pity The Fool

2006-10-06T12:09:00.000-07:00

Holy shnikeys, did you read today's Simmons column? He really, really should have never agreed to let his wife have her own little section of his football column each week. If you don't know the background on this, they're each picking winners against the spread each week and at the end of the year, we get to see who did better. But she wouldn't do it unless he gave her a little part of the column where she could write anything she wants without him changing it. Big mistake, Billy.

Her gripe this week is about his fantasy baseball team. In it she says his pal Hench calls all the time and leaves messages for him without saying who is on the phone. Then she tells us this little gem:

"I made Bill get a second phone line just for Hench's calls -- they call it the "Bat Phone." I can't believe I married someone who needed a second phone line to talk about a fake baseball team."

Hey Billy, know how I know you're gay? You got a goddamn second phone line just for your friend and called it the "Bat Phone"!

Message to the Sports Gal, in the words of Clubber Lang (see how I pick one of Simmons' favorite movies to select a quote from? Nice, huh?):

Hey, Woman. Hey, Woman! Listen here. Since your old man ain't got no heart, maybe you like to see a real man. I bet you stay up late every night dreamin' you had a real man, don't ya? I'll tell you what. Bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real man.

Whitlock vs. Scoop, Cagematch Style

2006-10-05T12:11:00.000-07:00

I am utterly astounded by the deafening silence coming from Scoop Jackson after Jason Whitlock publicly dissed him.

Scoop may be taking the high road, but that type of shit ain't reserved for a ghetto pimp like Scoop, bitches. Scoop's the type of dude to take care of shit Herbert Kornfeld style, motherfucker.

Scoop, your ass got called out by Whitlock. You gonna sit there and take that shit? I say it's time to throw down, cagematch style!

You know, back in the day when this cage stuff started, they use to put mismatched fighters in the octagon together, just for the sheer fun of watching a 500lb sumo wrestler fight a 150lb martial arts expert.

That's exactly what this would look like. Whitlock's a big boy. Scoop looks like a narrow-assed mofo. This could be fun. Either Whitlock would just crush Scoop, or Scoop could run around the joint until Whitlock keeled over from a heart attack. Either way, the viewers win.

Scoop, you gotta represent!

Mike's Sports Book Non-Recommendation

2006-10-04T11:53:00.000-07:00

I love to read sports books. I'll even read the bad ones. But a sports book has to be especially abhorrent for me to give up on it before the end.

Thanks to Dick Vitale, I can add another book to my very short list of incomplete reads. My folks like to attend this huge used book sale every year in Phoenix and they often find sports books for me. Last year they sent me Vitale: Just Your Average Bald, One-Eyed Basketball Wacko Who Beat the Ziggy and Became a Ptp'Er. The title alone should have stopped me from reading this pile of dung, but I gave it the old college try.

Big Mistake. I hadn't read anything by Vitale before (nor will I in the future), so I didn't know what to expect when it came to his writing style. The easiest way to describe it would be:

It's exactly the same as his speaking style.

He's constantly using his little Dickie-V-isms (diaper dandy, PTP'er, etc.) throughout the book, and it gets old fast. Real fast. They actually included a glossary dedicated to his stupid words so you can figure out what the hell he's talking about.

That's annoying enough, but it's not what made me put the book back on the shelf. I started to notice about half way through the book that he seemed to be using this book as an opportunity to drop every name in basketball that he's met over the last 40 or whatever years. And it's so random at times, it's ridiculous. Dickie is really proud of who he's met over the years, almost like he's a groupie. I wonder if Dickie has ever given Mike Krzyzewski a blowjob in the locker room and asked him to sign his tits? Stupid question, of course he has.

Anyway, between his writing style and his name-dropping, the book never gets any sort of flow going. In the end (or 3/4 of the way through, in my case), it's just a shitload of random stories/names throw together with a healthy dose of self-congratulatory bullshit.

Skip it.

The State of the NFL

2006-10-03T11:16:00.000-07:00

If you haven't heard the news about Albert Haynesworth, you obviously haven't been near a television, radio, or any form of print media since Sunday. A quick recap; Albert decided it would be a good idea to stomp on the head of Cowboys center Andre Gurode. That decision cost him a 5 game suspension. Seems reasonable, although I think the suspension should have been for the rest of the season. But that's not what I'm here to discuss today.

Any time an incident like this happens, the press goes absolutely fucking crazy. Sports radio hosts whips themselves into a frenzy, and the various shitty ESPN TV shows like PTI & Sports Reporters shout back and forth at each other like it's the end of the world.

On ESPN Radio yesterday, Joe Theismann (Theesmann) had this to say:

"I think that one of the things that has fallen off in professional sports across the board is respect. Respect for the game, respect for the guys that play it, respect for your teammates. That's an area that has, to me, really fallen off. The acts of some of the players, the selfishness of a Terrell Owens, this particular act by Haynesworth..."

I guess Joe's forgetting that this same type of shit went on during his time in the NFL. Joe's reaction isn't entirely uncommon. Many of these former players-turned-analysts tend to say things like Joe. They want to believe (and make us believe) that the game was better in their day, that the NFL has degenerated since their heyday. But that's bullshit.

Let's face it, dirty play has been a part of the league for as long as anyone can recall. Pick up a book from almost any former NFL player and read their stories.

Look at Conrad Dobler, an offensive lineman, who once kicked an opponent in the head. He legwhipped opponents, bit them, and gouged anyone within striking distance. He spit on a player once, and after he retired, wrote a book titled "They Call Me Dirty". He was proud of it.

Dobler wasn't the only player that liked to spit on opponents. Bill Romanowski, one of the dirtiest players of all time, spit in WR J.J. Stokes' face in front of a national television audience on Monday Night Football. He broke Kerry Collins' jaw. And he has a book of his own, "Romo: My Life on the Edge--Living Dreams and Slaying Dragons", in which he brags about his dirty play.

Charles Martin, a defensive tackle, is forever remembered for making "The Dirtiest Play Ever In NFL History". From The Chicago Tribune's David Haugh:

"Martin took the field that Sunday afternoon on Nov. 23, 1986, wearing a towel displaying the numbers of three Bears offensive stars--9, 34, 83--McMahon, Walter Payton and Willie Gault, respectively, plus 63 and 29 for Jay Hilgenberg and Dennis Gentry. In Bears-Packers lore, the numbers scrawled on the towel will always be known as "the hit list."

After Packers safety Mark Lee intercepted a McMahon pass in the second quarter of a game eventually won 12-10 by the Bears, Martin grabbed McMahon from behind and body-slammed him to the ground.

"It was at least 20 seconds after the interception," said Jerry Markbreit, a retired NFL official who worked the game. "I don't think he had an awareness of how late it was, or that the play was over. McMahon was walking to the sideline, had relaxed, and he picked him up and smashed him to the ground."

Markbreit worked 461 NFL games over 23 years. He had never been so shocked by a player's action. To that point in league history, no player had ever been thrown out of a game for anything but a fight.

But Markbreit, bothered by the severity of the hit and a little concerned Bears players "might kill" Martin, ejected the defensive tackle and escorted him off the field. Markbreit's decision ultimately cost Martin a two-game suspension and $15,000 fine."

The list of names and stories goes back before the AFL-NFL merger, and will continue for years to come. Names like Tatum, Davidson, Gogan, Wisniewski, and many others will be joined by scores of future NFL thugs. It's an unfortunate side effect of putting 22 extremely large, jacked-up guys on a field and letting them destroy each other for 60 minutes every Sunday. Once in a while, one of them loses it.

So Theesmann and all you other former players living in the past like Abraham Simpson, lose the "in my day" crap and call it what it is. An isolated incident that has happened before and will surely happen again.

Michael Irvin, Fashion Icon

2006-10-02T13:01:00.000-07:00

What hasn't Michael Irvin done? He won a National Championship at Miami, setting multiple school records along the way. He won 3 Superbowls with the Cowboys, and was known as one-third of "The Triplets", along with Troy Aikman and dancing superstar Emmitt Smith. As a player, he was considered one of the best WR's to play the game.

Michael has also been known for his illegal narcotics prowess. He's been busted more than once for cocaine possession, as well as marijuana possession. Michael also likes him some sex (but who of us honestly doesn't?).

Now Michael can add to his long list of accomplishments/felonies. He's a freaking fashion icon, man. Have you seen his rockin' neckties? He's got the 70's thing DOWN, although I'm not entirely sure if that's the look he's going for. The other possibility is the David Byrne look from Stop Making Sense. Combine that behemoth tie knot with his giant shoulder pads in his suit and he's almost there. Also, I love how this makes it look like he has a tiny noggin (if you've heard him talk, this wouldn't come as a surprise).

What I'm wondering is, where did he buy the tie he wore this week? Look at how short that thing is! It looks like he got it in the boy's department at JC Penney (as far as I know, he isn't a child molester).

Keep it up, Mikey! I need a good laugh each week before I watch the Cardinals get their asses handed to them.

The Best Argument for the Quality of Your Team's QB? Draft Position.

2006-09-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

Bill Simmons is not having one of his better weeks of material. His ESPN the Magazine article is just a compressed version of his mailbag, which is usually pretty funny. This mailbag is boooooring. It's like he used the best questions in his last mailbag and saved the leftovers for the magazine article. It's strange.

Wednesday brought a marathon chat session on ESPN, and again, it was boring. Mind-numbing, really. It felt like a mailed-in effort.

Today's article has its moments, but still feels like there wasn't much effort. I can't put my finger on it, but if you read it, I think you'll agree.

What I'd like to point out is this little gem regarding the Chargers from today's article:

"Every team has at least one serious flaw, but everyone wrote off the Bolts because of the "downgrade" at QB to Philip Rivers. You would have thought they were replacing Brees with Bruce Gradkowski's illegitimate brother, Cliff. Rivers was the No. 4 pick in the 2004 draft, remember? The next seven picks were Sean Taylor, Kellen Winslow Jr., Roy Williams, D'Angelo Hall, Reggie Williams, Dunta Robinson, Ben Roethlisberger and Jonathan Vilma. He's no stiff."

So Rivers should be considered a solid QB because he was the 4th pick in the draft? I hate to point out the obvious fallacy with this argument, but I will. If we used this logic, then the following quarterbacks were great, right?

(overall pick in parentheses)

Tim Couch (1), Rick Mirer (2), Ryan Leaf (2), Akili Smith (3), Heath Shuler (3)... need I say more?

Bill, just an FYI, you can make your arguments much better sometimes. This was weak. And using Madden examples to back up your (real) NFL opinions isn't any better. Madden, while a very good simulation, is not the NFL.

Michael Irvin, Please Take Your Mouth Off T.O.'s Genitals

2006-09-28T16:33:00.000-07:00

Well, Irvin did remove his mouth form T.O.'s nether regions long enough yesterday to join ESPN Radio and offer his insight into the T.O. suicide attempt/PR stunt. When Irvin mentioned that T.O. didn't take more than a couple of pills and the reports that he took more were false, the hosts wondered why the bottle of pills was empty (damn good question, I think). Irvin had this to offer (paraphrased, mind you):

"When I travel, I don't carry my pills and supplements in their bottles, I put them in a pill box that I take with me. It has compartments for each type of pill. He was just putting the pills into his travel container, so they were gone from the pill bottle".

Umm... according to reports, he had 35 pills left in the prescription. The team will likely be on the road 2 days, maybe 3. Just how many pills does he need to carry for such a short trip, Michael? Maybe 6? 12 at the most?

Michael, do everyone a favor and do one (or all) of the following:

1. Quit nuzzling T.O.'s crotch.

2. Just come out and admit that you are completely biased when it comes to T.O.. No one is fooled.

3. Ingest 35 pain pills, do not call 911.

Thank you.

TMQ + MNG

2006-09-26T12:27:00.000-07:00

Allow me to share a gripe I have with ESPN Page 2 writer Gregg Easterbrook, AKA Tuesday Morning Quarterback (TMQ), TMQ is a very bright man, often interjecting intellectual discussion into his football articles. It makes for interesting reading when you're on the old crapper, anyway.

TMQ likes to criticize teams for punting when they're in opponent's territory, and I tend to share his viewpoint in most cases. However, a common argument he uses for going for it over punting is "the average NFL play". In today's TMQ article, he says:

"The average NFL offensive play gains about five yards. Yet game in, game out, coaches boom the punt away on short yardage, handing the most precious article in football -- possession of the ball -- to the other side."

On the surface, this argument certainly makes his case. But TMQ is using a statistic that hardly fits the situation. The average NFL play does indeed gain about five yards, but 4th and short is hardly an average NFL down. When teams choose to go for it on 4th and short, the defense plays a lot differently than they would on 2nd and 10. They pin their ears back and go for the kill! I would rather see TMQ find the NFL average on 4th and short and use that for his argument, but I bet the yardage is less than five yards. Maybe a lot less.

It's funny that I would find a gripe with TMQ this morning, because my gripe from last night's New Orleans/Atlanta game is a huge pet peeve of TMQ's as well. This is my MNG - Monday Night Gripe. It has to do with the use of the term "double reverse". Let's allow TMQ to explain:

"Watching a highlight of receiver Marty Booker of Miami running against Tennessee, novice sportscaster Jerome Bettis exclaimed, "Reverse!" It was an end-around, not a reverse: Daunte Culpepper faked up the middle, then handed off to Booker coming around. The ball never changed direction. Announcers, here's the easy way to tell if it's a reverse: count handoffs. An end-around requires one handoff. A reverse requires two handoffs, one to make the ball go in Direction A, another to make it go in Direction B. The very rare double reverse requires three handoffs, so the ball ends up going back in Direction A."

Precisely! TMQ continues to talk about a reverse that went for a touchdown in last night's game, and yet the announcers kept referring to it as a double reverse. The only person in the booth that called it correctly was Joe Theismann (pronounced "thEEsmann", you know). The other two doofuses kept calling double reverse.

To make matters worse, during SportsCenter after the game, they rejoined the MNF pre-game crew (Chris "You're With Me, Leather" Berman, Steve Young, MICHAEL IRVIN, and Tom Jackson) to recap the game. Not one, not two, not three, but all four of these knowledgeable gentlemen referred to it as a double reverse! And keep in mind, 3 of these 4 guys played in the NFL!

Announcers are bad for the most part. Annoying as hell, really. The least they could do is call a play by its true name. Dontcha think?

Revenge, Thy Name is Cincinnati!

2006-09-25T11:18:00.000-07:00

Another Sunday, more annoyances courtesy of the sports media. My favorite NFL subplot this weekend was Cincinnati vs. Pittsburgh. The media kept playing this matchup as "A Chance for Cincinnati to Exact Revenge!".

In case you've been in a bunker for the last 9 months, Pittsburgh beat Cincinnati in the AFC title game last season, taking out Cincy's starting QB Carson Palmer in the process. On the second play of the game, no less. Cincy never recovered, and Pittsburgh went on to win the Superbowl.

Much has been made of this game; Palmer's first chance to face the team that destroyed his knee, Cincinnati's belief that they were the better team last year, yada yada yada.

The CBS announcers took the ball and ran (to use a cliche in the spirit of the media) with the payback theme while Cincy was in the process of winning the game, essentially saying that revenge had been exacted on those evil Steelers.

Even today, I read the following headline from SI's feed on Google's personalized home page:

"Palmer pays back Steelers"

Even ESPN got in on the act, saying:

"Palmer, Bengals get Revenge"

So let me get this straight. By beating the Steelers in a regular season football game, they got revenge on the team that beat them in the AFC championship game, a playoff game?

The sports media has long had a fascination with taking a story, any story really, and blowing it up bigger than it really is. All in hopes of making their coverage of the story seem all that more important.

This game was certainly important. But it was not about a team exacting revenge on another team. Unless these two teams face each other in a game where the stakes are as high as they were in last year's playoffs, there is no revenge. Just a victory.

The victory was certainly sweet for Cincinnati, as they beat a divisional (and much hated) rival. But payback? Retribution? Revenge? I just don't see it.